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The Date Archetypes

AKA — The Types Of People We’ve All Dated But Probably Shouldn’t Have

There are at least four different types of daters. Below are some (hilariously) accurate depictions. Let’s analyse them now.

The “I Look Pretty, Don’t I? Please Tell Me I Do!!”

This type of dater needs constant validation. They will spend 4 hours prior to the date washing their hair, blow drying their hair, curling their hair and then straightening it again (applies to both men and women).

They will constantly ask you how they look and expect a barrage of compliments in return.

Don’t ever tell this person they are having a bad hair day. Or that their butt looks big (no matter how huge it is).

EVER. Or they will open their questioning mouths and swallow you right up then spit you out and ask how fantastic their outfit looks. The answer — if you want to live — is “VERY”.

The Hipster

The Hipster dater will show up precisely 12 minutes late holding their soy mocha frappe latte chino in one hand and their Kindle in the other. A scarf will be gently draped across their shoulders, regardless of how boiling/freezing it is. 35 degrees? No problem! Scarf weather it is.

The Hipster dater will tell you about how long it took them to ride their bike to the date and question your choice of location. Unless it is Brunswick. Then you may be okay. They will twirl their moustache at least 6 times (applies to both men and women), and comment on your outfit and its potential effects on the environment.

The Crazy Cat Lady

This person is fantastic. If you like cats. And by “like cats” I mean love, love, LOVE cats to the point of diving in front of one to stop a bullet from hitting it.

The Crazy Cat Lady dater will show up to your date wearing either cat gloves, a furry onesie or a cat covered kaftan. They may potentially also bring cats for moral support… and proceed to throw them at you if you are not behaving in a way which is appropriate ie. telling them how much you love cats.

If you are looking to impress this type of dater you should draw whiskers on your face prior to your meeting, rub against them at certain periods of the date and purr loudly. Order milk.

The Vegan

The Vegan dater is not to be taken lightly. This type of dater will explain to you what a Vegan is. You will not understand.

Do not take this date to eat any meat, cow, pig, chicken, cheese or anything else that is even remotely tasty. Talk about your love of water and air and how the combination of both makes for a fantastic meal.

Bring quinoa. Lots of it. Mention how happy you are that the quinoa lived a happy life prior to being eaten and was killed in the most humane way possible. Definitely, don’t bring up photos of yourself slaughtering animals and hunting in your spare time.

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